Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Other Side of Me
Standing in a meadow, the sun, just about to peak over the earth, and the clouds floating down low, low to the ground. Trees, slouching over the wet grass. I look behind me. There's a black, tall, wet lamp post, made me had a feeling, a feeling of a boundary from imagination and reality. I turn my head, and I see a silhoutte of a person, scrunched over looking at me in a strange way. He starts limping over to me. All I could do is run. I'm running faster, and faster, and faster trying to get away from this revolting creature. Leaning over and trying to catch my breath, I finally lost him. When energy was flowing through my body, I turn around and there, standing right in my face, looking into my eyes, was a slimy, green, full of acne, with his teeth rotton and yellow. Looking at him, was like looking at a witch. Trying to escape was a failure because everywhere I look --even if my eyes are closed --he is always there. This creature is almost a part of me, an evil part.
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Wow! This piece has come a long way from when you first wrote it. I really like the way you end it with: "It is almost like he is a part of me, an evil part.", it keeps the naritve in the mode of tragedy.
ReplyDeleteGet rid of your be-verbs! If you removed them, the whole stream of consciousness would be so much smoother and sound like less of a somewhat rambling piece. Also, you swich many times between past and present tense, making the readability difficult. If you clean these up, it will make a great poem--maybe you could even put it in story format.
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